Losing another means losing ourselves
Going through grief, it has interested me as to why we change so much as a person. Aside from the obvious. I read something today that explains that a little further.
“When a loved one transitions, we not only grieve their passing, we also miss a part of ourselves.”
- Sherrie Dillard, ‘I’m still with you’
Sherrie explains exactly why this is. When we are with that person, we interact in our own unique way. We become a person just for them. With my Mummy I was fun, mischievous, relaxed, loved. I mostly thrived in her presence. When at her house I would sleep in later because I felt so relaxed and able to let go of my stresses. No matter what was going on, I could rest so much easier. My Mummy was there to take care of me. I would pay more attention to my appearance, because she liked me to look nice. She also had a static caravan in a park that we would visit. So when there, I would relax even deeper.
My Mummy would encourage, lightly, my playful side. She would fill a paddling pool with water and soap, pour me a gin, and I’d chill in there. She would take me to a spa and the beach. Our whole time was about relaxing, looking for ways to get stuff done that made us feel better. The whole time we would be laughing and joking. I felt safe, protected, comfortable.
She created a version of me that was not seen anywhere else. Outside of her space I would be stressed, anxious, struggle to sleep.
One thing that always struck me, is when I would visit. We’d just chat with her husband, my step dad in the room. He’d leave the room for a few mins and during that time I would have her laughing about something ridiculous. He would hear her laughing, come running back in and say “What did I miss?”, we’d be too busy laughing to be able to tell him. He loved that I made her happy. It warmed him to see her laughing because he was the only one who had any idea of the crap she faced every day.
After reading the above quote, I realised that I am not only grieving my Mother. I am also grieving a part of me. The person I was when I was with her. She person she created and allowed me to be in her presence. The Clair that was loved, relaxed, safe, comfortable. She has gone. She left when my Mummy left.
Does this mean that side of me will never return? Maybe. I can find aspects of her through my own self development and through time spent with others. Maybe she will be fragmented. Maybe I will be able to find her within myself by fulfilling my own needs. For now, I do not know. All I know for now is that when my Mummy left me, she took a part of me with her. Maybe that comforts her where she is now.