Spiritual Adventures in Anxiety and Intimacy
I want to talk about the voice of anxiety. After starting an LDR (long term relationship) recently, I had plenty of opportunities to become more anxious than usual. Regular in-person relationships can be hard. This one was actually easy in a lot of ways, but brought new challenges that I could mostly agree were down to the anxious voice in my head telling me untrue stories.
At one point I hit a wall, and Googled for some answers. I began to realise that anxiety really isn’t us, our voice, and sometimes not even a product of experience. It may be rooted in some other fear. But ultimately, the voice of anxiety isn’t our own. I read so many stories from partners of people with anxiety, who believe this voice. Let me tell you, the voice of anxiety has no logic. And the person who has to hear that voice, day in, day out, it’s torture.
Reassurance does go a long way. However the voice of anxiety doesn’t always hear it, or believe it. It’s stuck on its own version of the story. I recall having many conversations with my partner about a subject, and my anxious voice was absolutely hellbent on having not only its own story about what my boyfriend apparently believed, but also what everyone else believed too. Despite him repeatedly telling me otherwise. He was incredibly patient and persistent with reminding me of his own truth. So I had to face many a battle in my own head between what the voice of anxiety wanted me to believe, what I knew of my boyfriend’s heart, and logic. It feels like a sickness.
My turning point came when I came across this article. It resonated with me hard. I shared it with him and we had the most calm conversation about my anxiety that we have ever had. He saw me and my anxiety differently. He realised the hell that was in my head that I struggled to control. And finally I was able to formulate questions in the right way, to understand his feelings towards the things that made me anxious. I heard him clearly and realised that I had nothing to worry about.
We came to a new level of intimacy. He told me he loved me and that he accepted my anxiety, which meant to world to me. He was able to not take the voice of anxiety as personally as he previously did, which meant he could create a safer space for me to talk and be open about the things that weighed on me. Because the space was safe, I was able to explore more of the foundations of the roots of this particular manifestation of my anxiety. The voice was appeased, and our relationship found peace in that situation.
I know anxiety is so hard. I want to remind those of you that have it, it’s not you, or your voice. You must see that, and also accept yourself in the face of it. Feeling bad about feeling bad, doesn’t make it easier or better. It feeds it. You will see yourself as broken, damaged, and this creates more anxiety. You are a person who has anxiety. The anxiety is not you. Seek therapy to help to support yourself. You need a separate person to pull your feet to the ground, give you a new perspective and help you with coping mechanisms.
For those of you in a relationship with someone with anxiety, please educate yourself to support that person. Learn how to create a safe space, how to not take the voice personally (it is not about you!), and how to reassure them whilst also being honest and kind. This is so important. Being bluntly honest can raise more issues. Check, is it kind? Is it necessary? Does it support the situation? Make sure they know they are loved and cared for, at these moments when they feel vulnerable.
When a person with anxiety is surrounded by love, support and care, there is no room left for anxiety to thrive.